He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We left an ass print on the piano.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
