Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
