I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
