next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
