I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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