Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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