your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
