Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
