finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
