One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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