are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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