It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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