she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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