Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
