every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
