There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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