you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Everyone says I win the strip club
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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