I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
