i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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