i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
