Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
