Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
