omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
