It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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