in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
