Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
