loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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