I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
sarcasm needs its own font
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
