Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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