Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
