I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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