Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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