he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize