ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
