I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we're making bets on your personal life
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
