"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
