I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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