You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
