Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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