Your dad touched me again.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize