I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm sobbing to NWA
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
