I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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