My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
