allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
