last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
