When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
