I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
