That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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