finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
