i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
