god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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