so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
