I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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