Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
