So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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