First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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