you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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