I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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