piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
