When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
