I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
