I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
